So I survived my first day back at work. Eight hours of fighting back tears and battling emails. My inbox full of post Christmas baby announcements for me to file maternity letters and dates for. Even the tech guy I called proudly stated that he may not be able to help me next week as he was about to go on paternity leave. And there I am, empty and miserable crying at my desk.
I should would have been 13 weeks tomorrow. Today I had a half day of leave booked in to have my 12 week scan. The excitement of that appointment is now long gone and in it’s place a work meeting at the same hospital where I had my procedure to remove my baby.
Right now as I sit yet again crying on my bus to work I’m finding it hard not to feel bitter and sad. I know there aren’t any answers for me. I know I’ll never know why my first pregnancy was ruined. I know I won’t ever feel the same again. Today is a day of being haunted by should have beens and could have beens. I’ll no doubt sit in that meeting later and imagine lying on the bed, holding onto Mike’s hand looking at the love and pride on his face as we both see our baby on the screen. Is that more painful than thinking about the look of sadness and weariness in his eyes this morning as I told him why I was sad? Who knows.
Remembering Eden 